no-hey-hey-in-the-va-jay-jay

No “Hey! Hey!!” in the Va-Jay-Jay?

What questions do you have about marriage or sex? Because we want to answer them! We posted this answer to a popular, but not-often-talked-about, question about the female orgasm last year, and it became one of our top 20 posts of the year, so we know you’re thinking about ways to improve things in the bedroom with your husband.

Tasha Levert is an expert on female relationship needs and has her Ph.D. in marriage and family therapy. Plus, she’s witty and honest, and we love her. Send an email with your questions to magazines@mops.org (yes, even the embarrassing ones), and we’ll start getting answers for the questions we’re all asking but don’t know who to ask.

Is it difficult for you to reach orgasm through intercourse alone? If your answer is yes, then it’s not just you. According to most studies, 75% of women do not experience orgasm through vaginal intercourse.

That’s right, only 25% of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse, and most of these women would agree that while vaginal orgasm is nice, clitoral orgasm rocks the house.

Sadly, couples who strive to be part of the “25% Club” carry a lot of shame and frustration about their orgasmic woes, but, the reality is, not achieving orgasm during vaginal intercourse is normal for most women.

So what’s a girl to do if she wants out of that blasted 75%? Very little:

• The amount of time spent making love does not matter.
• The couple’s sexual positioning does not matter.
• The intensity of the thrusting certainly does not matter.
• And for heaven’s sake, penis size does NOT matter.

The only thing that does matter is our physical design; and for many women, their biological makeup does not lend itself to a vaginal orgasm.

Don’t get me wrong, vaginal intercourse feels incredible! The feeling of emotional closeness, security, and fullness is overwhelmingly beautiful. But, when it comes to orgasm, the old in-and-out technique can be problematic.

The reason? We don’t have a lot of nerve endings “in there,” and the sensory nerve endings that the vagina does have are found only within the first two inches (which is why size doesn’t matter). The clitoris, on the other hand, is orgasm central! During vaginal intercourse, the penis does not stimulate the clitoris enough to make orgasm possible for some women, making direct clitoral stimulation the way to go.

Some of you may question the fairness of our physiological makeup. Girls, after enduring three vaginal births, I for one am very thankful that God spared me a few nerve endings “in there.”

The clitoris was given to us solely for sexual pleasure. So, whether you’ve got some Hey! Hey!! in the Va-Jay-Jay or not, it is part of the plan for sex to be fun, passionate, creative and spiritual. Sex is two souls touching. Avoid becoming so orgasm-focused in your love-making that you bypass intimacy.

For women who struggle a counselor can be very helpful. If this is you, be brave, and find a good therapist to help you discover God’s gift of sex.

Enjoy your husband. Find your unique love-making rhythm as a couple. Discover what feels good to both of you. Celebrate God’s blessing of oneness and pleasure. Can I get a “Hey! Hey!?!!”

Tasha Levert has a Ph.D. in marriage and family therapy from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary. She is married to the hottest youth pastor on the planet, Tim Levert, and together they have three beautiful girls (14, 11, and 9) and a lazy miniature schnauzer. Tasha has a counseling practice in New Orleans, and one of her favorite topics for treatment is sexuality and women.