I’m Not Worth It

“You have an unlimited budget for lingerie,” my husband told me as I headed out for a much overdue shopping trip. I jokingly told my friend this, and she took it seriously. She proceeded to pick out a few things, according to her, “I could pull off.” After I got home, I tried them on, looked in the mirror at my mommy body and returned them the next day. I know my husband would have enjoyed them no matter what the mirror said, but after the price tag sunk in, I couldn’t bring myself to spend that kind of money. On my husband’s new suits for work, on clothes for my kids, on something for the house, perhaps, but not on something for me. Not on something frivolous. Not on something no one would see.

In the mothering years surrounding that day, my wardrobe suffered seriously. After thinking I was going to be pregnant, being pregnant, not pregnant, really pregnant, maybe pregnant, just pregnant and all those stages in between, I couldn’t bring myself to spend money on clothes for myself or for my changing body.

After my last pregnancy and losing the baby weight, I realized I was going to be THIS size for a long time. Suddenly I had the freedom to buy items that would be for more than one season. I realized I didn’t know what to do with that freedom.

The shopping trip with my friend revealed more about myself than I wanted to admit. I don’t think I’m worth it. My husband had even given me a thumbs-up to spend money on something for myself (ahem … and for him) and I couldn’t do it. Granted, I handle the bills and the budget and keep a close reign on every dollar coming in and going out. But he was sending me a deeper message, “You are worth it.” To him, it was worth giving up something else for me.

How many times do I not think I’m worth it? As moms, we sacrifice many parts of ourselves for our families. As honorable as that is, we have worth too! I’m learning to splurge on little things for myself. Now I get quite a few comments about a new shirt or cute necklace these days. I joke I lived in frump for 10 years; it’s time to break free! I’m still pretty frugal, but I hear my husband’s voice in my head occasionally telling me I’m worth it when I hesitate to buy something pretty, just for me, just because.

Heather Smith enjoys the seasons southeast Michigan has to offer, where she lives with her husband and children, Caleb (11), Rebecca (9) and Luke (4). She has attended Trinity MOPS of Clinton township for 10 years and held various leadership positions.